Bob C.

Hey dude,

Well, Bobsy, you've come to the right person. I'm the guy to ask about Halloween treats. Why? I don't know. I'm basing that on absolutely nothing. I'll give you my advice anyway.

Before you even think about giving these guys any sweets, you should think about adequately scaring them first. Make them work for their sugar. You can't go out trick or treating like them, can you? You deserve to have fun on Halloween, too. So, you gotta get your kicks by scaring the pants off all the little kids that came to your place.

I suggest putting some sort of graveyard in your front yard. (If you have a front yard.) You could bury your girlfriend and have her stick her hand out of the grave when kids come by. She could grab at them and everything. Just dig a hole, put your girl in it, put plywood over most of the hole, and then cover the plywood with dirt. Just leave a crack for her to stick her hand out. (And so she can breathe.) It'll scare the crap outta those kids.

If you don't have a front yard, you can have them come into your "haunted apartment". You can have your girlfriend hide somewhere and she can throw ketchup-covered spaghetti at them. Make sure the spaghetti is cooked, though. We don't want anyone losing an eye from spaghetti, do we? You can tell them it's zombie guts or something like that. And if they ask why it's flying around the room, tell them a zombie just exploded in your apartment.

A strobe light is always a good idea, too. Nothing disorients children like bright, flashing lights. It'll keep 'em on their toes, too. Put it right by a closet or something. And then have your girlfriend jump out at them. They won't expect it at all.

Another fun activity would be to spray the kiddies with a hose. You can do it outside with a garden hose or you can rig something up inside. You can always just fill up buckets in your bathtub, too. They may see it coming, but they'll sure be shocked when they feel that frigid water on Halloween night. If any of the kids get hypothermia and their parents try to sue you, just tell them that their kid shouldn't have been trespassing on your property. Case closed.

Some scary music in the background is always a good idea, too. You can buy collections of scary music about anywhere you go. I bet your grocery store will even have some you can buy. If you're in a pinch, you could always put on some J. Lo.

I'm sure you can figure out the rest on your own. You sound like a smart guy, and it's not too hard to scare 10-year-olds.

Now to get on with the treats.

Pixie sticks are always a great idea. It's the best way to get the kids super hyper and punish the parents for sending their sons and daughters to your house, begging for candy. That'll learn 'em! Caramel apple pops are great, too. They're my favorite sucker. They sometimes get stuck on the roof of your mouth, though. That's never good. I had to get help from a friend one time to get it outta my mouth. Very painful.

If you ever see a kid in a ghost outfit, it's safe to assume that the kid has bad parents or is poor. If he had bad parents, you might want to give him a frozen dinner or something like that. Chances are his parents don't cook for him. You could give this to the poor kid, too. Canned food is always a good idea, too.

Creative treats are always a good way to go. If you're too lazy to count your change jar, just grab a handful and give it out to each kid. Watch out for repeat kids, though. Those guys can be pretty tricky.

Never get those restaurant trick or treat coupon things, though. Those just scream lame. These kids want candy, not kid-sized cheeseburgers in the not so distant future. Apples with razor blades in them are a bad idea, too. As is fruit and vegetables. If you give out any kinda of produce, I can assure you that it will be thrown back at your apartment/house quite promptly.

You should keep some really good candy around, too, for the older kids. They have a tendency to vandalize specific, bad-candy-giving houses. Give the 8-year-olds the Dums Dums. Save the Snickers for the older ones. I've had to toilet paper a few houses because they gave out substandard candy. It's your duty as a trick or treater. Fortunately, the really young ones aren't as rebellious and revenge seeking.

Just try to think about what kinda of candy you liked as a child. That's the best way to go. And be careful forcing your girlfriend into tight places. It might backfire on you and you might not be getting any "sugar" for quite some time.

That's my advice. May it serve you well.