Old Plasmafunk Index | Product Reviews Index | Product Review

This review is going to be a little different than our previous reviews. We usually pick out some random products we find on ebay, or some other online store, and thoroughly make fun of them. Or rather, Luke usually does this. So, this review is different in two ways. One: We’re reviewing a movie, which is technically a product, and does fit into our “product reviews” section. However, movies are not what we normally critique here at Plasmafunk. The second difference: This review is by Jeff, even though this review resides in “Luke’s Product Reviews.” Basically, I was too lazy to make a “Jeff’s Product Reviews” section. Ok…now we can get on with this.

My sister and me made the twenty-minute venture to the movie theatre last Thursday to take advantage of the reduced ($6.50) day-rate movie prices. Kill Bill Volume I was the movie. 1:30 was the time. We both wanted to see it. After all, who can resist a movie made by a man with a funny sounding name like Quentin Tarantino? Not us. We sat through the half hour of previews that showed us about every single movie that Billy Bob Thorton and Angelina Jolie would be in for the next two years. Finally Billy Bob’s face faded from the screen and it was time for our movie. Woo!

My complaints are the following:

Kill Bill? More like Kill Me. I just wish someone had before I went to the movie theatre.

Who named this movie anyway? Kill Bill? The main character killed about everyone in the movie except Bill. I don’t mean to spoil anything for those of you who haven’t seen the movie yet, but…just so you know…Bill does not die. I’m sure there are some smart cookies out there saying, “Of course he didn’t die. It’s only Volume I. There’s obviously going to be a Volume II, if not also a Volume III.” You’re right. I also went into the movie assuming that Bill would not die. However, I think they should change the title of the movie. It’s still a little misleading. Maybe something along the lines of, "Kill Bill Soon" followed by the second movie in the series, “We’ll Kill Bill in the Next Movie,” and concluding with “Kill Bill Now”. But, that’s just what I think.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love fake movie blood as much as the next guy. But, damn!! What’s with all the blood? It’s like someone hooked up some sort of blood sprinkler and had it on full blast for the whole movie. It was all over the place. Squirting, gushing, flowing, dripping, and doing all the other actions that blood likes to do. If the main character had any foresight, she would have brought some sandwich baggies along with her and made a huge-ass donation to the blood bank. I just kept thinking, “Who on the movie set has to clean up all that fake blood?” It just reminded me of one of the segments in the previews. That one with the movie set painter talking about copyright infringement. They should have Blood Boy Cleaner #3 on all of those commercials. I think that would have more of an effect on the audience. Not to get off the topic at hand, but doesn’t it seem like those commercials are aimed at the wrong people? I mean, we already paid money to see the movie. We’re obviously not doing any copyright infringement in the movie theatre. They should take out an ad on Kazaa or something like that. Kazaa runs ads on their software, don’t they?

One woman with a sword can do so much damage. Apparently a chick in a yellow, biker suit can take on a street gang of 100 sword-wielding maniacs. Didn’t anyone think to get a gun and shoot her? That whole fight scene would have been over in about 10 seconds if someone had just thought to bring a pistol. I mean, it’s not like she’s Wonder Woman or something. She can’t deflect bullets with her sword, bracelets, or anything else she might have had on her. In future movies, I just hope that Bill remembers to carry a gun on him at all times. If he does that, he should be just fine.

The whole thing just seemed like a Charlie’s Angels movie. With about 30 times the blood and violence. Instead of angels, they’re vipers or something dumb like that. And instead of Charlie, they have Bill. Maybe that’s just how all the small, secret agent/assassination groups of women are run. After seeing Pulp Fiction, I’m deeply disappointed in Quentin for stealing a Charlie’s Angels movie.

The whole movie was just way too long and just seemed like it was the same scene over and over again. Once you’ve seen a body dismembered, you don’t need to see it again to get the idea. Near the end I wasn’t sure if Bill was going to get killed or not. I knew it was only Volume I, and by all logic, he couldn’t die in Volume I. But, it was so long, I thought there might be an outside chance of the sun exploding and everyone in the movie ending up dead. Unfortunately, my prayers were not answered.

Ok…I guess it wasn’t that bad of a movie. I am exaggerating a bit.

However, if blood and gore offends/bothers you, I would suggest that you stay the hell away from this movie.

My sister liked it, so maybe you will, too!

Well, I've run out of complaints, so I'll conclude by saying, "That concludes this review."