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Lord of the Rings Review (I'm too lazy to think of a better title.)

Ok, everybody…I’m here to give a review of the last Lord of the Rings movie. The Return of the King or whatever. I gotta say, it was a pretty good movie, but I plan on thoroughly making fun of it. The thing is, I’m pretty tired, and I got a lot of other stuff to do, so I thought I would take my stress out on Peter Jackson. (The guy who directed the movie.) Here goes…

Like I said before, I did enjoy this movie. However, there are a few things that bothered me. Firstly, Frodo and his pal are gay, right? I mean, what’s with all the hand holding and long stares? I thought they were about to kiss in every other scene. And if they weren’t staring deeply into each other’s eyes, they were snuggling. It’s just not very romantic when you see two dirty hobbits wrapping their arms around each other on the side of a mountain. Am I wrong? I think the whole marriage thing to the waitress in the Shire was just a big cover up for extreme homoeroticism run amuck. While I haven’t read any of the books due to laziness, I have it on good authority that such a marriage never occurred in the last book. Also, I would like to apologize for the lack of specific names. I’m not very good with names.

Now…about the elf and the stampeding elephant creature. That was extremely cool, but what the hell was up with that scene? How exactly did the elf latch on to the beast’s horns, climb up a ladder of arrows, and kill more than a dozen enemies riding atop the monster? Is this supposed to be believable? And to top it all off, he does some sort of surfing thing down the thing’s trunk and strikes this dramatic, hero pose. That’s just too much.

The question I really want answered is, where were the eagles the first 3 hours of the movie? “Sorry we’re late. We were busy taking a bird bath.” Like…what else could giant, evil-fighting eagles possibly have to do that was more important than saving middle earth? It reminds of every Power Rangers episode ever made. They’d goof around doing all this hand to hand combat and crap and then finally get in their huge animal machines and just use their “super killing ray,” or whatever they call it and just blow the enemy up with one shot. Why didn’t they just skip to the last step and save us the first 20 extremely boring minutes of the episode? If you have ridiculously big eagles, use them more often!

Did anyone else find it funny that the one really evil guy who led the orc army couldn’t be killed by a man, but he could be killed by a chick and a midget? He was all like, “You can’t stand between my flying monster and its prey.” But, apparently you can just lob its head off with one quick blow. I guess he hadn’t considered that possibility. When they first introduced the guy, I thought he would be running around, killing everybody and their cousin. Instead, he occasionally flies around and lets his dragon thing do all the work. And when he’s actually confronted with an enemy, he ends up getting beat by a woman. It just seemed like they tacked that scene on to make the feminists happy. Once again, I’m undeniably disappointed.

While watching the movie, I thought of a few things they could’ve added. There’s one scene where the wizard guy is looking over the castle walls and see the thousands of orcs in formation below him. It would’ve been so much cooler if they formed up to spell “You Suck,” or “Orcs do it in minivans.” They could’ve added a lot more blood, too. I’ve never seen so many people die without shedding enough blood to make a donation to the local blood center. There were several bloody lips, but that could’ve been caused by chapped lips, rather than brutal violence.

I don’t even know where to start with Golem, or as I like to call him, Skinny, Computer Generated Bastard. No, I change my mind. I’m not even going to get into that. I don’t have the time or the patience. Don’t worry; I’m about to wrap this up.

I think the scene that bothered me the most was the one where Frodo is getting on the elf ship to sail off to wherever. I think that’s the longest goodbye I’ve ever witnessed. There was so much hugging and staring. Why didn’t he just pull out his Polaroid and snap a picture of the group? He’d be able to look at them whenever he liked and we wouldn’t have had to sit through all that unchecked looking. The scene was just barely tolerable. However, I don’t think everyone would agree with me, as I saw a few people exit the theater during the prolonged goodbye.

Lastly, I would just like to know, is anyone else extremely disappointed in Frodo? I mean, he had one job. One simple, little job: throw the ring into some lava. And could he do it? No! Everyone else is fighting huge armies of orcs and going into caves to find green ghosts, and he can’t even finish his little ring disposal mission. They could’ve just given the ring to one of the eagles and had him fly it over to the volcano. It would’ve taken like 20 minutes, tops! They really weren’t thinking when they gave the ring to a curly-haired, gay hobbit, were they? Once again, Ellijah Wood has let all of us down.

Ok…I’m just goofing around. It was a pretty good movie. I just like to make fun of everything I can. In conclusion, I would like to thank Luke for his inability to keep his mouth shut during any movie he has ever seen or will see in the future. Also, I’m very aware of the many run-on sentences and misused commas that occurred in this review. I don’t care. Just go see the movie. It’s good.