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Cold Mountain Review

One of the first things you notice about Cold Mountain is the fact that nobody seems to have the same accent. Jude Law sounds pretty good, better than I would have expected. Better than Julia Roberts going for Cockney, Irish (?), well I don’t know what it was, in Moll Flanders. Nicole Kidman sounds like the stereotypical Southern Belle (think genteel Georgia), while Renee Zelwegger sounds like a moonshiner from Kentucky (Note: the movie takes place in North Carolina). So, it’s kind of a mish-mash all around. Other people seem to have no accent whatsoever.

Critics have pointed to Natalie Portman’s scene as the best in the movie, but I just couldn’t get over the size of her baby! The baby’s head seemed to dominate every shot, and I kept imagining Portman’s dead husband as some kind of freakish giant. It seemed that the baby was almost the size of its mother. Why did the baby have to be so big? Was it necessary for the story? Couldn’t they have found a kid with a smaller noggin? It was very distracting. And what about that log cabin filled with leering and jeering women between the ages of 18 and 30? As soon as the door opens, it’s clear that there’s something not quite right about this place. Four or five girls are all writhing inside the same three feet of doorway. Everyone is pushing liquor on Law and his companion at the dinner table. There’s a little boy wearing a dress. As if all that isn’t enough to sound the alarm in one’s head (danger!…. danger!), the host, at the end of the night, leaves his wife in the cabin and goes off to spend the night somewhere else! Well, I won’t say any more about this scene other than I’m disappointed that the fellers didn’t notice that something was up before they settled in for the night.

My favorite part of the movie was the audible murmur in the movie theater when everyone recognized the character “Georgia” as Jack White (of the White Stripes). He wasn’t bad at acting (not to suggest that the role demanded a whole lot) and he even sang a little, which was a nice bonus. The soundtrack should be something to look forward to, offering 5 songs from Mr. White.

There were a lot of big names in the movie, which added little to the story, but was an impressive menagerie, nonetheless.

Let’s talk about the chemistry between Law and Kidman. Zelwegger’s character Ruby brings up a good point when she says, “You never wrapped your legs around this Inman?” Indeed courtship between Inman and Ada was brief. They shared one kiss and a few awkward encounters before he left for war. Somehow within that week of “getting to know you…” Kidman decided that she will be waiting for this relative stranger while he is at war. And that’s what she does for the rest of the movie. She makes herself miserable with it, when any other normal girl would have gone on with the business of surviving. Law’s obsession with her is more believable, as he clings to this one promise as a shining light in the darkness of war.

When they finally do get together, it’s about time! They are apart for three years and on the day of Inman’s return, it takes the two of them until nightfall, an entire day, to get it on. The sex scene was pretty good, and you knew that everybody was waiting for it. Come on, two beautiful stars, looking fairly clean… This is probably why the Director teases the audience by cutting away from Inman and Ada starting to get undressed, to Ada watching Inman sleep after the fact. “No!”, you’re thinking, “they’re not going to show anything? After all this time, I’m feeling about as unsatisfied as Ada.” But not to worry, we enter another unnecessary flashback (this is how I know the Director is toying with us) and get all the details. This sex scene was artsy and passionate, though a little unbelievable. Think man, woman, longing for each other, having sex with no one else over the course of three years, few members of the opposite sex even around…… yeah that scene should’ve been over in five minutes.

So, to sum it all up, it’s another country-fied take on the Odyssey (though not as good as O Brother Where Art Thou?): an interesting look at the backwoods after war, the lack of good men left over, and how everyone is desperate to get laid. Seriously, I found it to be very entertaining and very weepy. Don’t go if you’re looking for a pick-me-up. I would have liked it a little more gritty (that means no make-up during hard times, girls), and not so neatly wrapped up (with a picnic) in the end. At least Ruby and Georgia’s baby has a normal-sized head. Bottom-line: beautiful-looking tear-jerker is worth a watch.