Plasmafunk! | Random Plasmafunkery

Just imagine a nice, tasty, bleeding steak dinner. Is there anything finer? I say no, but lately, the new vogue trend has been towards vegetarianism and veganism. They keep telling me that it?s just so healthy, and it makes them soooo rejuvenated. Excuse me, but have you seen vegans? They are tiny people!! There?s no way that?s good for you. No way. If you dressed a vegan in a tuxedo and put them on a Shetland Pony, you?d have a smash vaudeville hit. Give those people some fish sticks for god?s sake (or gods? sakes, depending on your religious affiliation). And the arguments these people use are just so wrong. ?I don?t eat anything that has a head,? they brag over and over again. Hey, I?m pretty sure they eat lettuce ? a headed vegetable ? but I?m damn sure that bacon doesn?t have a head. And anyone who says they don?t like bacon is just a liar. Simple as that. Bacon is always delicious, even when preceded with the proper adjective ?Canadian,? which is not usually the case. Then, they get all indignant and say stuff like ?you realize that when you eat eggs, you are just eating chicken menstrual waste.? Bring it on, then. I?m ok with that. But just to be disturbing, I usually tell people that I eat pig and chicken embryos for breakfast. Well, that and Captain Crunch (part of a balanced breakfast). God, I could go for a bowl of that right now. Back on track: And vegetarians are always so preachy. ?You know, if everyone on earth ate only vegetables, we?d have ten times as much food.? Who wants to live in a world without burgers, Salisbury Steak, or Premium Grade Ground Chuck? Not me, that?s fo? sho?. Besides, doesn?t the world have enough malnutrition already? Besides, look in the mirror. You see those sharp, pointy, teeth? Those are for tearing flesh. Love your teeth, eat a cow. The other day, a vegetarian got really mad at me when I suggested a solution to her cold could be to take some Nyquil, go to bed, and eat some BBQ Baby Back Ribs. Why so much anger? Of course, I don?t want to seem to be against progress. To that end, I have decided on a new diet. I will allow myself to be no higher than a secondary consumer. I realize that I won?t be able to indulge in condor egg omelets or tiger steaks (with A1 sauce ? mmmm, so good), but I want to do my part. So, I bid farewell to my former, tertiary consumer habits. Well, I?m off to hunt my quarry, the mostly deadly animal of all, man. Have a wonderful, meatful, day.